Plate spinning

This week is one of those weeks where reality sets in. No. It has been one of those months. Things came to a head when my supervisors asked me to write a timeline for the rest of my research. Trying to set out on paper when I will get things done became a challenge. Completion of methodology chapter by....no, on holiday that week. First draft of literature review by...no, that's the start of term. Journal article submission by....no, that's a child's birthday weekend. How could I make commitments so far into the future when I had not even planned what to eat for tea? What will happen if I miss my self imposed deadlines? 

All in all I am struggling to plan for the future because I feel so firmly rooted in the present. Working in an environment which has gone from week-to-week to minute-by-minute means that even seeing beyond the end of a day can be a challenge. Getting home, feeding the cats and hanging the washing up clash with my desire to spend a couple of hours alone working. Added to that is the watching and waiting existence that is part of having a loved one in hospital as I go from text to text awaiting updates aware that all other plans may be halted mid flow to drive home to be with my family.  The future is a foreign land. 

Do I wish I was writing full time? Yes. Is that possible? No. I am aware that this may just be a case of green grass and all of that jazz, but plate spinning is an art form that is a skill in itself and one that I usually manage well. However I am glad that I have friendships with other part timers for their stories of smashed china is a good reminder that it is not just little me and the solitude of writing often makes it feel that it is. No one prepared me for the extended time inside my own head especially when the isolation is self inflicted and frustrating to others. 

 My fantasy image of being a succesful student may often give way to snatched moments with my laptop interspersed with questions about Minecraft, what my favourite shark is or if I think One Direction will ever retire (Yes, I like your diamond house. Hammerhead. I expect they will before too long and then lose all their money in a pyramid fund). When this happens I simply remind myself of one of the bonus reasons I am doing this: 'is there a Dr in the house?'