Firstly, although my supervisors have read some of my work before, they have not read anything as long as this. It feels long. Seeing 14 pages of text running down the page is one hell of a fright. That is a lot of space to make mistakes. Once I have adjusted to the length I then panic.....I am going to run out of space. 55,000 words is not very many in reality.
Secondly the form is just so new. Sharing writing of any kind is an emotional challenge as it is letting someone else into your mind and soul. Sharing autoethnographic writing is like letting someone into your heart too. Criticisms of your writing hurt. A few months ago I ended up attending a course run by an editor. We were asked to submit a piece of writing which, I assumed, was for her benefit to know what we were working on and at what stage we were at. Wrong. At lunchtime I was handed back my three pages of text covered in red spidery ink. I managed to hold in my tears until I left for lunch and then let them flow as I walked to buy sushi. Sushi is therapeutic for my little soul. The editors comments were cutting yet good flip side was the reminder that this was probably the feelings that my students have when they open their books and see my (thankfully green) ink. Her main issue was: "You over use 'I'. This is academic research not a journal." I wanted to scream....."it's autoethnographic research lady" but I was not confident enough to explain myself. I still am not. I still struggle to explain that I write/record stories and thread them together to form a narrative. It is research. That's my new mantra.
Finally, it is so hard to edit. You spot an obvious mistake in a passage you have read countless times; you question how you set out dialogue (if anyone knows, do tell) and references in the same line. You realise how words reappear again and again....yet......however......wonder.....I cling to familiar words like comfort blankets. This is too grown up for little me.
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